A lightly edited post-anxiety attack stream of consciousness thing
You know what they say,
One day you’re joking on social media about how your posts have been unfunny lately because your mental health has been good, the next you’re considering whether there’s a polite way to kick everyone out of your own birthday party because you’ve been teetering on the edge of a panic attack for no particular reason for a few hours, and you managed to stave it off, but who knows whether that’ll last.
I think the only way to fix me is to let my cat rub her gums against my hands for 4 hours.
I think I need to be in a cave full of blue glowing mushrooms.
I think I should compose a symphony.
Is managing to turn a potential giant panic attack into a medium anxiety attack an accomplishment?
Is it weird to have Michelle Branch stuck in your head while you’re coming down from said anxiety attack?
Is it weird to be closed-off in person and then bare your soul to strangers online?
Did people hate the snacks I put out?
I should get another tattoo.
One thing I think about a lot is how if I’d been a 1950s housewife, I almost certainly would have been lobotomized. But I’m okay with that. I think that probably means I’m a cool person.
You know, it’s strange how un-normal I feel right now while simultaneously knowing that I’ll be totally fine tomorrow. Tired, but fine.
And that’s the thing, I truly am mostly fine. Sometimes my brain just likes to go a little overboard with the cortisol.
I can feel myself leveling out now. I even feel like my tone is becoming more normal as I write this, like I’m coming back into myself.
It’s odd. Everything is odd. Here I am, post-anxiety stupor, words pouring out of me into the notes app, stopping every few sentences to stare at the nail polish I put on for the party tonight (sparkly, silver). It’s pretty.
Things will be okay.
~15 hours later edit: for the sake of transparency, I actually did end up having a full-on panic attack about half an hour after I wrote and posted this. Mental health can be a very strange thing. But I'm okay today. I'm making sure to give myself the rest I need.