The constant almosts of my game composing career
Remember not too long ago when I wrote about trying to be more authentic online? Well, it's time for me to hold myself to that!
I tend to get really reflective toward the end of the year. I always feel the urge to take stock of all the different aspects of my life, to contemplate how things are going. And one of the parts of my life that has been the least kind to me is my involvement in the game industry.
I have an item on my bucket list, a very simple one. When I tell people about it, they often react with surprise that it hasn't happened for me yet.
I want to be able to point to a game, one that isn't a game I made myself and that isn't a mobile game, and say that I composed the music for it.
Don't get me wrong, I've worked on some really cool projects that I enjoyed so, so much! I've been a music implementer and written additional music for games that got PC and console releases. I composed music for a few really neat little mobile games. I've made a couple of weird, unique, cool music-centric games and am working on another one right now. And of course I've composed a ton of music for amazing films, animations, podcasts, and other types of media.
But I can't point to a game on Steam or a console store and say that I'm the composer for it. And that sucks a lot. Because I really want to, and I know I'd be good at it. And I've been trying to make it happen for a really long time now.
And when I say that I know I'd be good at it, that's not just me guessing based on the other work I've done. It's been four times now (I think) that I've been the composer on a game that was supposed to be released on PC and console but then got canceled or delayed indefinitely. And not to toot my own horn or anything, but those clients really liked me. I got such positive feedback from all of them. But the games were never released.
So I'm not just guessing that I'd be a good game composer. I know I'm a good game composer. I've had direct feedback from game devs I've worked with telling me so.
It's so disheartening, constantly feeling like I'm close and then having things fizzle out. Beyond the unreleased games, something that springs to mind is a time recently when a dev reached out to me about what seemed like an amazing composing opportunity. It was for a game that you've probably heard of. It would have been huge for me.
We exchanged messages back and forth for a while, had some video and in-person meetings, and they had me sign an NDA. I was really excited about the potential. But then... nothing. I got ghosted. Like I said, they were the one who had initially contacted me, completely out of the blue! A simple, "sorry, we've decided to go another direction" would have really gone a long way.
That was another reminder of how unpredictable and frustrating the industry can be, especially when it feels like you're so close to something real.
It's especially discouraging when you consider how much I've given to the game industry. My talk about my interactive music composition methods was the highest rated talk at the GDC Audio Summit in 2022. I co-organized a game audio meetup for a few years while I was living in LA. I've done mentoring, given a lot of talks and guest lectures, and written numerous blog posts about interactive music composition and Wwise.
To be clear, I love sharing knowledge and participating in the community! I don't do these things just to get work. But at a certain point, it becomes really discouraging to pour so much time and energy into an industry and get so little in return.
I've had a lot of conversations about this with more successful composers, people whose work and careers I really admire. And the feedback from them is always pretty unanimous, always something along the lines of I'm doing everything right, I've just been unlucky/my time hasn't come yet/the industry is just in a bad place right now.
I know things are rough right now, and I know a lot of people are struggling to find work. In a way I feel bad complaining about my situation when I know I'm just one of many people who are going through the same thing. But the fact that what I'm going through isn't particularly unique doesn't mean I don't deserve better.
And not to get too into the gender weeds, but I do often wonder how much me being a woman factors into this. To be clear, being white, cis, and able-bodied means that I don't face a lot of the obstacles that many of my peers do. But most of the people I know who are struggling right now are people of marginalized genders. A thing I see so, so often is otherwise diverse studios only ever hiring cis white men as their composers.
I have nothing against these individual composers, and I'm definitely not saying that they don't deserve their jobs. I'm just saying that if you look at the demographics of successful composers vs. the demographics of the general population, the numbers don't match up. There is nothing about cis white men that makes them inherently better at music than the rest of us.
The point of this is not to say that you should hire me because I'm a woman. But I do think you should examine your inherent biases (no shame, we all have them) next time you're hiring someone. When you picture a composer, what does that person look like? I doubt many of you consciously assume that those of us who aren't cis, white, and male are less competent, but there’s a good chance that there's some internalized bias at play.
Anyway, I feel like I've mostly said my piece here. But before I go, I have a favor to ask. I don't really need advice; I'm honestly pretty sure I've heard it all at this point. What I would love is if you'd keep me in mind if you need a composer in the future or maybe recommend me if you hear of anyone who needs music for their game. I love video games, and I love making music for them. I have over a decade of media composing under my belt, and I have a ton of experience specifically with interactive music, Wwise, FMOD, and Unity.
I know work is scarce right now, and it may still be awhile before anything happens. But all I want is a chance to prove myself. I think I deserve that.